“If only I had… or if only I were…” these thoughts are running through my mind. I feel as though I’m at the top of a mountain and it’s downhill from now on. I realised that something inside me was uneasy. I was struggling. I felt like… I felt like I had something on my shoulder that’s too heavy , I can’t shake it – and I felt i felt like something beautiful was rushing at me, moving past and I couldn’t gather it in and I didn’t want to see it go.I don’t know what to call it, really. Midlife crisis sounds so so ..flamboyant, so ridiculous,

At every age, I have been a bit proud of the year under my belt. But this one is different. It’s my 40th birthday tomorrow. I had become a wreck. I don’t want a party. I am sad. I am hysterical. I have everything or so it seems but I just want to crawl under the covers. But after being disturbed thrice in less than an hour by the security guard,salesman, courier guy I took out my car, my Santro and started driving, I don’t know where. (I wished for good car like Ferrari, BMW or atleast Toyota Innova!) ”Musafir hoon yaroon” radio sings and I just want to run. I’ve just become aware, at 40, that I’m about halfway through. That there is less time to go than I have already had.  Tree waves in a slow dance, vast expanse of never ending sky spreads out and I…I want to turn the clock back!

At the traffic signal I see a young girl,in her teens, going with her mother in a scooter.  I hear the mother saying “Beta humara koi business to hai nahin, we salaried middle class have only one option to study, to get good marks, join a good college.” Girl asks “Mummy what about my school trip and my new mobile. All my friends have it now” Mother sighs and says “Wait till Diwali na, Papa will get his bonus then..school trip we are going to Mausi’s house in Mumbai in October Na“. “Mumbai again”, she thinks, “Diwali is so far away and hopefully some other expense should not come”. She wants to grow up fast have money, have a life! I envy her, her life seems so simple, parents are there with her to worry, all she needs to do is study. She looks at me and I can see the fear in her eyes, what if I don’t do well in exams? Honking of the horns remind me that the traffic lights have changed and I need to go!

A little ahead I see a group of people walking with their backpacks. I envy them knowing that everything they owned would fit into a bag, that life was portable and so free. And now I don’t even understand how I became the co-owner of a those paintings,crockery,so many clothes,my children games,car, home . How I acquired all this… stuff (which can’t fit in a big truck), these Responsibilities. They signal for a lift . I stop, not knowing why(they don’t look like muggers) and the group hops on. They talk about the trips they want to go but soon conversation turns to pressures of the job, of rat race, of finding the right one that also gel with the family, of buying a house ! Thank God, that’s behind me I say to myself as we stop at a dhaba.

We are joined by a young couple with two kids on a weekend vacation. We just needed to get away, they replied. They were working 40-plus hours a week, climbing the career ladder, but also holding down the fort at home with two kids. They talked of life being frantic, and so complicated, of using a color-coded calendar to make it through the days without missing a meeting or leaving a kid at birthday party. They talk of credit card debt, home loan. Thank God I am past it. I wouldn’t go back there again if you paid me a million dollars. What if you give me Billion dollars..I pause, I think but no Thanks.  I see a flush green tree with orange flowers fluttering gracefully with the breeze and one with dry leafless branches shorn of leaves,flowers but still upright a testament to many shades of life , past it’s glory but then I see some the small leaves, bright green one.

40 definitely feels like a big milestone and I was annoyed at myself for not having felt younger in my 30s as it’s only once you are about to turn 40 that you realize how young your 30s really are. I realize that In 20s, 30s, we’re having a lot of varied experiences. We’re scrambling, putting pieces in place.But now those pieces start to coalesce into knowledge about who you are and how life works. I see myself in the mirror and think

I know myself better when I reached 40s.(How in 20s I used to wear those heels all night to go clubbing. Actually, 40 year old me does not even go clubbing really because I can come up with just as much fun and dance )

I have fewer but better friends than in our 20s and 30s

The BIG questions of getting married, having one or two children, finding a suitable job are behind me.

Buying things to impress are a thing of past

I have learnt to be patient, I also do not take things so personally.

I definitely feel more in charge of my life now. I have a better understanding I think of how the world works.

The image in the mirror smiles and I ..smile back. A cool breeze blows away the cobwebs of my mind and I feel that I am an extension of the beauty around.  But I have miles to go before…crosses my minds. . I have to write than article, learn new dishes, visit new places, settle my kids, see my grandchildren.  I drop them at the bus stand and turn back

As radio sang ‘Suljha hi lenge rishtoon ka maanja’, I reflect on what I’ve accomplished, the marathon I ran, the once seemingly impossible career goals I’ve met (almost) and the family I’ve built.  I am reminded of My husband, telling me to concentrate on looking forwards rather than backwards,of The forties are the old age of youth, and the youth of old age.  I am still young and fit and healthy. My mind is sharp, and I’ve still got a long way to go. Life is full of opportunities and choices, and for some reason we must grasp at all of them. Midlife or not, in the end, or in the middle, these are the days of my life. And the thing to do – is live them. I join Shaan and sing Hum Jo Chalne Lage, Chalne Lage Hai Yeh Raste, Haaan Haaan, Manzil Se Behtar Lagne Lage Hai Yeh Raste” 

This article is for AmbiPur contest on Indiblogger The Perfect Road Trip