After half an hour I reached KFC joint and saw Kuvira sitting at our regular table “What happened?” I asked. “Raj doesn’t love me anymore.” she said. “Difficult to believe that! He loves you and he is so excited about the baby.” Kuvira was due to give birth in few months. Kuvira and Raj were both software engineer and had met in the office. Though they were of different caste their families had no objection. They were a great couple, enjoying life, partying, celebrating birthdays, anniversaries. Last week only we had met to celebrate their third marriage anniversary. Then Raj had gifted Kuvira a car and both had plans of buying the house which would be ready in an year. Both were excited about the baby and all seemed just like a fairy tale.“Yesterday evening after work I said to him. I want to be with my child for for the first step, the first word, the first…. I don’t want a maid/day care/inlaws to raise my child so I would quit my job after child. He just looked at me and walked to the bathroom. When I knocked..”, I raised my eyebrow, “okay okay banged the door he shouted that they cannot afford the house EMI, child cost on a single income. So my quitting the job is not an option. I felt so bad.What’s the point of having a kid, if your not going to be the one to raise it? I started crying..and just didn’t speak to him any more. Aren’t men supposed to take care of earning for the family ? Then I wondered whether he married me because I was working! Maybe that was why he was not keen for me to have a child earlier?”. “Hey Hey..stop the thought..I remember you telling me that you don’t want a child for first two-three years of your married life as you want to be free and enjoy life and also climb corporate ladder” Yes..you are right, last year I was bugged with both my parents and in-laws hinting about giving them a grandchild. They never said anything to him!” “But can you be a Stay at Home Mom (SAHM)?”, I asked. “Why are you saying that?” asked Kuvira.
“27X7 hours job with no break, no pay, and no thanks. Can you do it? Cooking, Cleaning and keeping house is an endless and thankless job. You imagine dancing through graden with your children, scrapbooking every precious milestone and building their IQ to genius level through activities recommended by the books written by childhood development PhDs. The reality is that stay-at-home mother can have as much stress as working parents, if not more, depending on the age, temperament of kid. Also Housewives or Homemakers are taken for granted you have all day to do it… You don’t work? Must be nice, you can watch soaps all day… Aren’t you bored staying home all day? You should volunteer somewhere… You’re busy? Doing what? You’ve got all day… etc.” Staying home is not for everyone. It’s just that some individuals do not cope really well with staying at home all day. They need the stimulation and distraction that work brings, otherwise the frustration gets the better of them. Can you surrender you career, job, individuality and then not blame your kid/husband/family? Unhappy mother will not make a happy child.” “So what I will take a break and join later?I am from a reputed college, have done excellent in my career till now. My company will be easily have me back? she replied.
“It may or may not. Your skills might be considered out of date. You know how one has to keep learning in this field. And then it also depends on whether we have a recession or not. Remember 2009 when the company had hiring freeze. I agree, Yes things have changed over the last few years, with offices becoming much more mum-friendly allowing working from home and all. But it still has long way to go and the demands as you climb the ladder increase not to mention at-times travel. You may feel torn between the job and home life. After a hard long day at work (not to mention commute) won’t you be tired and irritable?
And after the break you might not be able to start back with the top wages in your field, people who were with you or behind you would have gone ahead you might end up reporting to a junior?” Kuvira was silent for a minute and then said “But we live in India and have privilege of maids? I will hire maid, cook, driver to take care of my family?”
“A friend of mine did the calculations, total breakdown. She was working in administration department. What she realized was after hiring all these people (and assuming they come regularly, on time) she was not saving much in financial terms, not to mention the stress added. She decided against it”
“I didn’t think about that at all.” replied Kuvira. We ordered the burger and krushers and then I asked “Though you might argue that money isn’t everything but it is necessary to raise a family. Do you know the cost of raising a child – the pre pregnancy tests, doctor visits, medicines, delivery would end up costing around a lakh in a place like Bangalore. Then there are diapers cost, namakaran cost etc. The pre-primary schools that you see at every corner itself costs around 30-40 thousand a year. A survey found that it costs approximately 94,000 per annum for a child during his school years. An engineering degree costs 5 lakh And then there is the new house you wanted to booked.” “What about that?” asked Kuvira
(To know about various costs in raising child from childbirth you can check out Intelligent Investor article of 1998 From Cradle to Convocation. Though the cost are now more than earlier but the categories haven’t and one gets a fair idea. And Rising Education costs covers the survey conducted by ASSOCHAM which said that school education in 2011 costs Rs. 94,000/- annually for single child)
“You want a nice penthouse in a plush apartment. How much you fought with Raj when he suggested that you should go for a small 2bhk or 3 bhk house in the same apartment? Bigger the house, bigger the EMI. With both of you working, that EMI was affordable but if you leave the job then then all this burden will come on Raj. “ “Oh My God! What should I do now? I told Raj that I am leaving him and he said he doesn’t care” said Kuvira
“That’s another point , you just blurted out your thought when Raj came back from office. He had a tough day at office, was asked to trim his team. Had given a pink slip to his junior. He was feeling so bad..you just didn’t see his mood , didn’t consider his feeling. Will he care for such a wife?”
“What should I do, I have broken my home with my own hands.” Kuvira kept the head on table in despair. “A simple sorry would Do”, the voice said. “That’s Raj voice. She looked up and saw Raj standing there with flowers, yellow roses, her favorite flowers. She got up and went straight into his arms, with tears rolling down her cheeks. “ I am Sorry. Really Sorry. I have been so bad..” Butt how did you know I was here?” “I called him” I said “ I spoke to him after your phone call and got to know the details. “ Kuvira laughed “Whose side are you on?- Mine or His?” “Ours” said Raj and they looked at each other. I slipped off, leaving those love birds alone.
(Image courstey: lovequote)
What happened afterwards- well they had a beautiful daughter. Kuvira parents and inlaws volunteered to take care of child in turns. Her inlaws also got her a good maid from their home tome. After a year Kuvira took break from work for two years spending time with her little one. She went back to job after her daughter started school. They moved to a new 3 BHK house. Kuvira, Raj and myself meet every-year on the day Kuvira called to celebrate their being together and my hand in it.
“Raj doesn’t walk the second child! What should I do?”, said Kuvira,”Meet at the regular place and we’ll talk”.
Note:This entry is for Indiblogger KFC contest :Sets You On Fire! Describe a fiery event or situation, either real or imaginary.
Great writing, Kirti !
Although i am not much of a blogger , i couldn’t resist to comment on this.
In our Indian scenario (since i don’t know much about the scenario abroad), a support system is very necessary for one to be a full-time/ part-time working mom.Ya, we do have day cares in nooks and corners now (which is great) but ewho is going to take care of your kid, when he/she falls sick? Unfortunately, work from home is not always an option.
And, it’s not my prerogative to judge a homemaker, since a working mom – full time/part time or quarter time for that matter is a homemaker too. Do we stop taking care of our homes, our kids, our family if we are working???
Let’s not (meaning us moms) working or non-working think of ourselves as two different entities as at the end of the day ,we are all women and only we know what we go through.
So, kudos once again to all the women and especially to all the MOMS (all moms are SUPER-DUPER MOMS)in the world and to Kirti (for making a lazy non-blogger like me BLOG):)
Thanks Richa. You are right we have no right to judge anyone for at the end of the day we are all women and we take care of our family irrespective of whether we work or not. I appreciate those woman who for the sake of family give up their dreams and at times individuality for lack of support system. HATS of to all the MOMS!
u r too good. try writing a book..u can beat lot of them. (well I saw it and my guess was accurate you know what I mean.)
Thanks Nidhi. Writing a book/article is not difficult getting the readers are 🙂
Madam aapki samajdhari ka jawaab nahin!
Hey Kirti really a good article.. catering to real problem. Every woman want to work but I think every women is not that lucky enough to get the support system so they choose to be at home… sometimes by choice n sometimes they don’t have any choice.
I think homemakers should also get credit… taking care of children is also not a easy job.. mother of two taking care of the entire house is also working day n night to full-fill the dreams and requirements of children..don’t even get time for themselves.
I think every woman working or not working is really worth acknowledgment!!
Kudos!!
Thanks Shubha, Thanks for commenting I agree with you. At times even if the woman wants she would have to be at home bcoz of no support system.
I have high respect for stay at home mothers for they are taken for granted and are left to do all mundane, sundry jobs simply because she is at home.
Adorably written Dear.Enjoyed reading Ur beautiful write-up. Hats off to U and All the Best for the Contest.
Thanks Christy. I liked your too and the recipe of grilled chicken is tempting!
beautifully written….
Thanks Santoshm beautifully commented
loved it although it would be difficult for me to understand the situation :D. but as always a brilliant post.
Thanks Debajyoti for leaving comment though it was difficult for you to understand the situation..you being a man.
No one can understand more than me how much the pain/stress a working mother has to go thru 🙁
You cannot compare the lives of working mother with housewives. Homemakers/housewives are not taken for granted anymore… they pamper themselves too much and live like princesses…
Working women has to just decide whether they can live without job or not? In my scenario I cannot. I love and enjoy my work. There are some days which are highly stressful but don’t you think that are part and parcel of life.
Be proud of being superwomen. Life is too short so ENJOY motherhood and CHASE you DREAMS too….
Thanks Gunjan! I still don’t can’t figure out how you manage so much. Yes a superwoman you are raising too kids with doing good in job too.
It shows- you do what you love and enjoy!
hey Kirti all the best for this contest
u won the Qvendo one – congrats for that. awesome 🙂
as for the post, yeah these are very difficult decisions to make – to quit or not – the job. after much deliberation & lot of heartache, and sadness seeing our little daughter suffer in the day care, i quit my job. from the time she turned 3 to next year i.e when she will be 6, i am on a sabbatical. tough i do pick up freelance training assignments. next year back to full time job.
not easy at all. not all our lucky that they can have parents & in-laws taking runs to look after the new born
and as you said not easy to go on forever on single income either
Thanks Sujata for congratulations and best wishes.
Had heard somewhere “Behind every successful man is a woman and behind every successful woman is a a maid or a support system”.
Getting a good day care is so difficult..Hats off to you for quitting your job. I feel we all will some regrets in life but we have to choose one which will have less pain.
Best of luck for full time job!